When I was a little girl I used to hide in my closet. Half the time I was tapping the walls looking for secret passageways, but the other half of the time I think I was just enjoying the comfort of hiding. The peacefulness of knowing that I'm tucked away from the world. The calm of feeling safe.
Then I grew up. I don't really know when that happened, but sometimes, when I'm not coloring in my Toy Story coloring book, I'm pretty sure it did. I learned a lot of information, felt a lot of things, and heard a lot of stories. Somewhere along that journey, my every concept of safety was breached. I was no longer untouchable. Unthinkable things don't just happen to people on the other side of the TV screen. They happen to my friends. My family. Me. & Somewhere along that journey I learned that hiding in closets is no longer appropriate for... (i hate this word)... adults.
So I guess I just tucked all the fears away somewhere inside of me. Then I started having nightmares. Having trouble going places at night. Having trouble getting in my car, thinking someone was in the back seat. Then this led to having trouble watching movies with any suspense. Having trouble falling asleep without melatonin or nyquil. Having trouble going or being anywhere alone. Then this led to having trouble breathing at 2am as I woke up from consecutive night terrors. Having trouble convincing myself the difference between reality and my perfectly thought out, visualized, memorized, fears.
Now I'm here. Still dabbling with many of those issues. Still embarrassed by the fact that I, the middle child who always has it all together, sometimes can't distinguish reality from a dream. But I'll tell you what I've done. I dragged my past, my crap, my fears, my anxiety out of the dark corners of the closet and breached its comfort right back by putting in the light. I told a friend. I told my parents. My boyfriend. I'm telling you. Because my blog isn't necessarily about positivity or outfits or recipes or crafts. It's about freedom. & this is me, pursuing it.
Read that. Then read it again. We are loved, at our darkest. No matter where we are, what we are going through, what closet we are hiding in.... God says... I loved you.... I love you... at your darkest.
xo ronnie
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:: COMMENTS ARE NOW FIXED! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE :] ::
So glad you shared this, Sharon! Beautifully written...and it is a beautiful story of how much God loves us.
ReplyDelete-Courtney
Courtney, your encouraging words really mean the world to me. I can only hope that my transparency blesses and encourages others. So your support is incredibly appreciated!! xo
DeleteI love this. I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and I've learned myself that confronting the issue is the best. When I fear my fears and hide in my closet, the fear wins. And God has a plan for my life and it's not to be afraid.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being vulnerable and allowing your story to touch others!
-Sarah
I relate to this oh-so-much. I have always been prone to anxiety, an internalizer, even as a kid. It really is a daily fight, but fears have more power in the dark. It's so much easier to deal with them in the light. <3
ReplyDeleteP.S. Pardon me while I grab a button for my little blog. :)
This post has alot. I personally struggle with fears like a lot! But like you said, telling people(the right ones) and knowing they have your back helps!
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for a liebster award!
This is a beautiful perspective of anxiety. I deal with a milder form, but the healing comes the same way- bring it to the light, lean on the people who love you, and trust that God is and will always be with you. Love this.
ReplyDelete